December 2002 Archives

thanks to D, who sent books -- Fight Club, and Jung's Undiscovered Self. excellent. most excellent. and speaking of D, his lovely significant other, Ann Elizabeth, has a very funny list of things to do when you are home sick with a cold.

see, i was going to do a retrospective thingy, then i was just going to do a little feature of really cute blogging couples, then ... i decided to just go with the one for now. it's been a TMJ day, which happens when i do too much molar-grinding, which happens when the boss and his buddies sit there grunting and chortling over repeated viewings of a military video of a compound in afghanistan being bombed.

on the bright side of that, it's nice when things happen that make me glad i'm only going to be working here ten more days. woo! sigh.

so i was walking down the hall, carrying my third cup of coffee, and it hit me like this weird vertigo - i'm going to miss this place. for all the times i've ranted and moaned about it, i had a fun job at a laid back place where i didn't have specific times i had to be at work, where surfing the internet could easily be considered job-related research, and if i had ever showed up in my jammies, no one would have cared. and i would have showed up in jammies, i'm sure, at some point, if i had jammies in which to show. up. anyway.

it's been close to three and a half years which is about the longest i've ever been anywhere. i have issues. i'm not the most ... easily managed person in the world. i can't be instructed to do something a stupid way, when i know for a fact i have a better way. for instance: in the 80's i worked for an aviation fuel supplier. part of my job was to compile the monthly sales figures from all their stations, and this was done on big wide sheets of green ledger paper and a ten-key. there was a PC on my desk, which had (i think it was) visicalc on it, which wasn't getting much use - so i proposed to the accountant that i could put together spreadsheets that would look *exactly* like the reports i was doing by hand. she said no. i figured that her reason for saying no was that she just didn't fully realize what a cool idea it was, so i did it anyway.

in that instance, it worked out, but in many other jobs i've had, that sort of behavior is actually frowned upon. can you imagine?

where was i? oh yeah. missing this place. the three years i've been here have been extremely eventful in the other areas of my life, and so i think the time that's passed has been ... denser. it feels like dog years. forever.

god i can still remember getting confused trying to find the soda machine. being introduced around and telling everyone right off, hi i'm karen and i'm going to forget your name immediately and continue forgetting it for some time now, please be patient. hell, i've only just recently gotten to where i know everybody's name - except theresa, who i always think of as joyce, and the techs, i still have no idea what any of their names are. i just think of them all as bobs. or maybe alans. or franks. something like that.

i'm going to miss this place.

it takes forever and seven to upload these. but the sky this dusk, it was .. it was .. here it is:
 

more to come. publishing this while i can, dialup willing and the creek don't rise.

***edited to add***
sunset from the window of a car doing 50 on wide streets by the mall:

and this is my friend mechele. she has a new 19 week old puppy, who peed freely on my carpet. look how cute:

so cute.

so a while ago, the post titles in the "recent comments" were arranged thusly:

computer. driving. me. insane.
unprecedented levels of offline-ness
you know what must really suck?
a room with a moose
six is having problems adjusting to his clone status

and i just thought that was kind of profound. um. anyway. i'm going to jack in the box for tacos, anybody want anything?

my goodness. not only thirty-six hours between posts, but i also went nearly twenty hours without even checking my email. i was so offline, it wasn't even funny. oh, the line was there, not that it was a good line, but it was a line. i just wasn't on it. it was weird. very.

of course, this leaves me with a huge untidy mass of mingled thoughts that have by now become virtually inexpressable due to too much tangling. kind of like the cords behind my two computers that i've been mantling and dismantling this weekend. these things once had a purpose and a path, and now they are a rats nest of noodly things with big clunky plug-thingys on the end so it's virtually impossible to ever straighten them out. did you know that my usual method of moving computers (when i am in a hurry, which with computers, i always am) is to unplug them'n'theirs from the wall(s), stick all the peripherals in a sack, and balance the sack on top of the computer, rather than untangle their wires?

am i ever digressing.

sheesh. i just almost said, thank goodness it's almost monday, and i will be able to go do the sorts of things a person does when they have only two more weeks of employment left with that company. giving a shit is, i assure you, the furthest thing from my mind. and they have DSL! yay monday.

wait. i did actually say that.

dude. whoa.

it's old. it's slow. something about something causes the DVD player to vanish when an eject button is pressed, and then the computer says "what DVD player? i have no DVD player! what are you talking about?" and requires any number of complete power-downs and BSOD reboots to get back up again. which i put up with, 'cause i not only have the Zims but also Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which i've never been able to watch due to ... tecnical difficulties. so i have something that sort of works in an annoying fashion, and therefore i'm obsessed with finding the exact combination of things to do to dance around the weird-ass glitches. i know it can be done.

and besides the internet's too damn slow and the monitor, while fine for full screen video, sucks at displaying webpages (14" monitor maxed out at 800 x 600 -- no way to surf, man).

i'm sorry about the boring whining.

anyway, it's helping my house get clean-ish. well, less wretchedly messy at least.

so i brought the Zim VCDs to work, where there are better geeks. we have determined that WinDVD 4 installed on a computer with an actual DVD player, plays the VCDs perfectly - with gorgeous menu system and all. so i'm only a little bit of computer dismantling and remantling away from being able to play them myself, and that makes me immeasurably happy. Zim! ZIIIIIIIIM!

well, after the dismantling and remantling part. not as easy as you'd think.

being a DJ for a Clear Channel affiliate, and playing 'The Last DJ' and trying to delude yourself that they can't turn you into a company man, they can't turn you into a whore...

i heard this song on KTYD (which has been assimilated) on the way home and felt bad for the guy playing it. sad, really. full lyrics in more.

this rocks. you don't know how worried i've been about wearing out my organs -- i am a bit rough on them you know. and now, we're only a few short steps away from being able to grow replacements! put me on the waiting list for a fresh liver and some new lungs, yes? aww, heck, just grow me a new body. i'd really like to start over, and take better care of myself next time.

i don't see what everybody's so upset about. welcome to the 00's! don't fight progress! ethics? shmethics! worry about those after my full-body transplant, ok buddy? *sings* i wanna liver forever ...

this has been brought to you by my sick sense of humor and general ineptitude in writing good satire. no endorsement of clones or cloning is expressly implied or whatever, ok? now get your panties back outta that bunch. thank you.

wow, the day after christmas. that's a tough time for a birthday -- everyone tired and still digesting all that food, barely able to make a birthday fuss -- Happy Birthday, Shelagh!. go tell her happy day too, ok?

ahh. back at work on the broadband. couldn't even bring myself to download my email this morning, it just seemed so potentially frustrating.

christmas was wonderful -- and thank you thank you Dan, those are the best candies in the world. even the cat thought so, while we were gone he knocked over the box and licked the chocolate off of one of them. had the decency to look kinda guilty as he rushed out of the house when we came home.

and stacey! -- sent this way cool thing called a 'quad cam' that takes four pictures one after the other in the same frame. had fun taking pictures on the freeway on the way out to simi. can't wait to see how they turn out.

still don't have the zim things from Mr. Blank running, but there was no time to dismantle computers to switch drives. oh, and Mr. B? you were so right about the backlight for the gameboy. it really, really needs one.

sent my son off to the babysitter's this morning, he never stopped playing the game -- wandered out to the car, slowly, playing the whole way.

*yawn* time to confront the email box.

oh -- and the big box? i was wrong. not a computer desk. a chair -- a nice one. cool, huh?

so in these days of slowness, the internet has lost a great deal of its appeal. between the dial-up, the ancient computer, and the mouse that refuses to be ungunked, i feel like i'm about to burst into flames, or at the very least, song.

and along comes a package, from Skarlet, via Amazon. this book, which i have been wanting to read for some twenty years now, and finally i can, and just in time to save me from the glacial pace of this antiquated technology.

so if you see me around a lot less for the duration of this dsl-less-ness, these are the reasons.

you must go here. first listen to the chicken sounds, they rock. then you must go listen to the gaseous emissions from January 24, 1999. timeless festiveness.

and then you must link that post, so the joy can be shared.

... give him a gameboy advance, that he has been wanting for a long time, and a game he has been admiring amongst his peers. expect that he might not exactly spend time with his other presents, no matter how many or how cool. just put batteries in the game, show him the 'on' button, and *yawn* go back to bed.

whoever thought of stuffing jalapeno peppers with cheese, breading them and frying them and furthermore dipping them in ranch sauce, deserves some sort of prize. maybe the nobel peace prize, i don't know. something big.

they make me happy. i wish the whole world had some spicy happy food and some green tea with ginseng as a chaser.

ideally i wish we all had tamales, but nobody brought them to work today, so i had to make do. sigh.

frus�tra�tion
Pronunciation: (")fr&s-'trA-sh&n
Function: noun
Date: 1555
1 : the act of frustrating
2 a : the state or an instance of being frustrated b : a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs
3 : something that frustrates
4 : receiving an ultra cool gift of Invader Zim on VCD from an ultra cool friend and not being able to get a single computer in your house to play a VCD. i suspect i will have to transfer the DVD player to the Windows box because maybe installing WinDVD doesn't work on CD players? it's not my last hope, but it's among them.

i will prevail, never fear. but this may mean i'll be spending my christmas eve up to my elbows in computer guts. which would be quite festive, come to think of it.

anyway, kurtwood, like another cool kid, convinced daddy to let us open just one gift this eve, and i opened the package from Mr. Blank (kurtwood got his cool kid camera). There are four VCDs with custom CD sticker thingys on them, brilliant work. i will make them play. ZIIIIIIIM!

"Bloggers are navel-gazers," said Elizabeth Osder, a visiting professor at The University of Southern California's School of Journalism. "And they're about as interesting as friends who make you look at their scrap books." She added, "There's an overfascination here with self-expression, with opinion. This is opinion without expertise, without resources, without reporting." .

ok, so the article's not entirely negative. it goes on and on and on about how the warbloggers have influenced mainstream press. woo. hoo.

ok, i'm in bit of a snitty mood this monday. matter of fact i found pretty much the only negative part of that article and quoted it. because.

so i was laying around the couch watching deuce bigalow, male gigolo, and when it was over i sat up and clicked for email. nothing. i tried to see a site or two with the browser, and nothing. i sighed heavily, went and turned off the old windows box, plugged in the modem, had a small fight with the internet connection wizard which wanted me to go look at the microsoft internet service referral place -- uh, no. so i set the dang thing up by hand. and so it's now connected to my lovely and generous new ISP who gave me this dial-up acct. to see me through the lack of dsl.

i'm connected at 45.2.

yesterday, around sunset, which reminded me of these clouds here:

and this evening, i came home to a particularly welcoming porch, and many prezzies under the tree:
 

reading about the death of Joe Strummer today, i got to thinking some morbid stuff. decided to look up who all died this year. Dee Dee Ramone isn't even on the list! and as for some of the rest of them, well, i was surprised to learn they hadn't been dead for a long time. huh.

and i swear to god every time i hear a warren zevon song on the radio i expect to hear that he's gone too. damn.

Dear DIRECTV DSL customer,

Per your request, we have terminated your service.

* * *
so when i get home tonight, it's all about find the modem and ... suffer. horribly. find the modem and suffer horribly. since this is a week with a holiday, it goes from being maybe friday to maybe ... next tuesday?

but maybe it will be sooner. they always give worst-case scenario time estimates right? so they can look good if they get it done sooner?

* * *
update: called home and chris reports the internet still works. so it's anybody's guess as to when it goes down. probably at the worst possible minute.

i have been doing an amazing amount of sleeping this weekend. like last night -- 11PM to 10AM, which would be a lot if i did it all at once, but it was in 2-3 hour increments (basically, my sleep life is a series of naps), waking up long enough to root around for snacks, (several times, eating instant flavored oatmeal right out of the packets, i'm like that), and waking up finally for good in a mass of crumbs and feeling all itchy. night before last i had a similar amount of sleep and even managed a longish afternoon nap yesterday. it would be nice if i felt rested but i have at least one strenuous dream per sleep session - this being the last of the bunch, one of the better ones. matter of fact, the last two times i went back to sleep this morning, it was for entertainment purposes only -- the previous dreams were far worse. hostsage situations and being chased and fleeing and things not working when i needed them to and stuff. so i kept going back in for a different one, i wanted something less icky to be sticking with me during the day, as dreams do.

sigh. i'm feeling better. but i'm looking around me and realizing this house is a disaster from me ignoring it all weekend. and i've been reading only a fraction of my favorite blogs, which truly bothers me. basically i've done nothing but nap and dream. and eat.

kind of a lost weekend, but not in a good way. well, anyway, i'm back now.

so i was in debt to this fast food joint, and somehow i had been paying them in food, buying the food and giving it to the accounting department? and then i started to worry that they hadn't been crediting my account, that they had just been finding greasy bags of food on their desks and eating them not knowing where they came from? so i went down to talk to them and in the waiting room (this was a really elaborate fast food joint, huh?), there was this big, pretty purple inflatable airplaine thingy saying 'join the french foreign legion' and flying back and forth across the room. i try to get pictures of it, which i don't think will come out, and i'm thinking, you know, if i were less responsible, i'd just go join the legion and not worry about the hamburger bill. i decide to investigate. i go on a demonstration mission with them, we're in flimsy boats in a stormy sea, and we manage to land on the beach. we have to return to the burger joint over this bridge with interesting lights, which i'm trying to take pictures of as we hike across, but my camera doesn't have enough functions to get that kind of low light fancy stuff. on the other side there's heavy traffic and these guys are running right across but i hesitate, feeling this feeling of urgency yet not being able to see enough of a clearing in traffic to make my way across.

finally returning to the burger joint, one of the accountants shows me last month's trial balance, and sure enough some of my payments were received, but not all. it's ok, i reason, since i've now realized how weird it is to pay a restaurant in their own food. the owner of the restaurant has a construction company, and he's looking for painters. hey! i used to work for a painting contractor, maybe ... no, i don't know ... and i wake up

This is not at all to suggest that the Revolution was a sort of non-stop bacchanalia, but that partial drunkenness was often an important component in a certain type of revolutionary excitability, particularly in meetings or committees. --Richard Cobb, The French and Their Revolution [source]

randomly: when i think the plural of toothbrush my mind pronounces it teethbreesh. for some reason. anyway.

the other evening, chris tells me, 'oh! forgot to tell you. rinse your toothbrush in really hot water, this morning i heard these clanking noises in the bathroom and the kitty was up on the counter with the toothbrushes.'   [he tells me this a little too late to do anything about that morning's brushing, so eww, but anyway]  'i don't know if he likes the toothpaste or is trying to drink the water'  [kitty will not drink nice fresh water from a water bowl. he's all about dirty sinkwater, faucet drippings, or, apparently, teethbreesh]  'well did you smell his breath? is he minty?' i asked.   [no, he's not about to smell kitty's breath]

well at first i didn't believe this was accurate, probably out of denial to think of having used a toothbrush that had been licked by a cat who licks ... himself. but one of these weird sleep nights i got up to go potty and sure enough, kitty was right up there on the counter and the teethbreesh were a-clankin'.

eww.

it's my daughter's twentieth birthday. of course i haven't heard from her since she split for france nine days ago, not a phone call, not even an email. *tsk* these kids today.

i guess if i priority mail some of my son's kindergarten pictures to my parents, that could be like a christmas present? if i haven't done this by now, it's not like it would get there, though will it? sigh. better late than never i suppse.

beginning to stress about arrival of dump truck and camera, even though late presents won't be a big deal, really. there's plenty.

you know those cute Chevron cars? found two really cool ones (the discontinued four wheeler model with the bicycles and a really cool one with shiny blue paint and a popup smiley engine) at the Chevron station. i'm not sure who likes them better, me or my son, but they're for him, ok?

kicking myself for not thinking of shrinkydinks. there's still time, but not that much time, and aside from that, i should at least get to toys r us to see if they have kirby for gameboy advance. but the thought of toys r us this near christmas scares me horribly.

my son appears to have ants in his pants. also he keeps telling me he likes wedgies. these things are unrelated, unless they aren't. also, he got up and cleaned his room this morning before i woke up (at nine). he's such a good boy.

i'm very scattered.

ahh, shopping. went to game stop, went to target, went back to game stop, then hit taco bell -- all in the same shopping center, due to the buick (which i am proud to report, can actually set off other car's car alarms with its knock). then stopped by work for my check, since the Golden Debit Card of Doom will only go so far before i actually have to put money in the bank.

the haul so far: one red game boy. sonic advance. rechargable battery pack and AC adapter. tub-o-play doh. clipboard art set. sturdy boots with flashing red fire trucks on the side.

since i don't technically have to go to work today, i've decided not to go. which has something to do with being awake till, um, four-something? sigh. i tried to go to sleep. i was just awake.

anyway, it's a floating birthday holiday paid day off type of thing, and even though there are four whole shopping days till xmas, i decided to take the day and do the shopping today. pretty simple: game boy advance, some games, and some cool kid shoes.

ok it's not that simple. i know he likes kirby, and spryro, and sonic the hedgehog. who doesn't like hedgehogs? the choosing of games is not the easiest thing here. i suppose it will depend on what i can find at the local used game shop, since more games is a good thing.

the hardest part? not taking the thing out of the box and testing it out for the kid, you know, to make sure it works and all. sigh.

so this morning as i left the house, i worried about not having anything i felt like bringing for lunch or snacks. silly of me.

in the kitchen here, right now: homemade fudge, chocolate walnut candy, apricot bars, two carrot cakes, white chocolate/macadamia bars, and two dozen krispy kreme doughnuts. in the tech room: entire gift basket full of food. on my desk: remnants of a bread bowl formerly filled with cream of broccoli soup, which was quite unnecessary, really. but i ate it anyway, because ... well it was there. *urp*

as nice as this sounds, the real holiday pigout doesn't start here, till the tamale ladies do thier thing. last year i believe fifty pounds of masa was mentioned -- the tamale ladies don't mess around.

i can hardly wait *urp* but i could sure use a nap.

i picked this up from She -- it's been to other places, like Dan and Lynn, both of whom i can't permalink; Kitty and Linda have also shared in the cheer.

feel free to pick up the wreath and carry on, leave a comment or ping so we'll know where it goes...

best explanation i've ever read.

kind of changes my perspective on gravity. i have been pretty resentful of it lately. but now? i'm ok with it.

in fact gravity played a part in this weird dream i wish i could remember enough of to actually post in the dreamlog. the gravity part = struggling up a fairly flat sidewalk, climbing the sidewalk, only to get to this dirt field, and then gravity gave up on me entirely and i flew back to where i started.

the rest of the dream was even weirder. where was i going with this? ahh, back to the beginning. gravity = blogs. it makes sense.

ornaments and a little painty clay potlike thing:
 

goodies, and goodies upclose and personal (from work today):
 

a tree drying on a monitor, and mike from monsters, inc., suspended by mardi gras beads on the tree:
 

found at Bluiguana:

Feds Want To See Enron Videotape - (resident bush also takes part in skit). go on, follow that link, and look to the right of the article -- click the "watch clips from Enron tape" link. no, nothing new or shocking, but ... my god. those arrogant fucks. they were playing with the money, and with the lives and futures of all their employees at that point (six years ago, when everything still looked rosy), and they thought it was funny.

ok. so i've contacted a local reseller of pac bell dsl, dock.net, as recommended by the sales guy here (we actually sell DSL here, to businesses). anyway. talked to a very nice lady named heidi, whose direct extension i now have (w00t!).

the bad news: there is no way to switch me without me cancelling my current DSL and letting the service be turned off. it will then take approx. five business days to get me back up and running. Heidi says she can hook me up with a *shudder* dial up account in the interim, which means that i'll have to dig up that modem which only works with the (ancient, crashy) windows box.

this means five days of my only internet being dialed up from a 350mhz K6 with like a fourteen inch monitor. five *business* days.

just kill me now.

oh crap oh crap oh crap.

It is our sincere regret to inform you that DIRECTV Broadband will discontinue operations. This email shall constitute DIRECTV Broadband's 30 day notice of termination to you. Please be aware that DIRECTV Broadband's network (including your email services) will remain operational for a minimum of 30 days from the date of this notice.

i loved my dsl service. loved it. loved the multiple computer support, the way it worked with both operating systems without even having to have software installed. i always felt so close to my DSL service, it was my colleague, my companion, it was always right there with me. and now my friend is going away.

i get a goodly number of googlers googling for 'silly rabbit'. this one was just plain insane .

so you know those stress tests where they assign numeric values to stressful life events? like this one? well, their list is long, but not very comprehensive. here's mine, for the last 12 months:

lying weasel x-roommate small claims court thingy.
changed operating systems on main computer.
blogcon.
started really getting that old vision thing where you can't focus upclose.
my baby started kindergarten.
major dental work/debt.
those server moves - remember the server moves?
semi-major car screwuppage.
shaved my legs -- twice. maybe even three times.
became really subversive.
i always feel like somebody's watching me. really.
traumatic, unprecedented pant size.
getting downsized/becoming unemployed a freelancer.
losing my DSL provider (let's assign the 'death of spouse' point value to that, shall we?).
daughter in france for the holidays.
the holidays themselves.
france.

so how much would that be? do i win?

there is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees ...

you know, these things happen.

absolutely amazing out there -- fifty-seven degrees, breezy, huge puffy white clouds, air all washed clean by the storm. definitely feels like california december. if i had the spirit of it inside me, this would be perfect.

i don't.

it's like guilt, but whinier. it's like, i want so badly to be like some of the lovely people i know who select wonderful gifts and package them up and ... see, i fantasize about that. literally. i sit and daydream about going wishlist-hopping and doing that sly but effective 'give me your address i'm sending out christmas cards' ruse and subsequently making packages appear on other people's doorsteps, as they have been on mine. i mean, i'm not even sending out christmas cards! i suck.

i'm sorry, i'm having what might be considered an extended monday. i actually thought it was wednesday, then found out no, tuesday and thought, crap it's been a long week already.

i'm sorry.

so the kitty went under the tree, and i grabbed the camera:

and then somebody wanted in on the fun:

and then i put the camera away, and the kid exclaimed in great distress, 'kitty has a hook thingy stuck to hims butt!'. so what did mommy do? right. grabbed the camera:

and then, of course, carefully removed the ornament from the kitty's furry behind.

the end.

* * *
addendum: a birthday story. or at least its pictures:
 
being the spongebob purse and the carved stamper with ink, as sent by the epic krix (ocean incense, not pictured, but smelled very wonderful). the stamp can be seen here, from when i was sitting up in birthday chat burning incense and stamping double happy all over myself.

it's been a great season.

... for the birthday wonderfulness, and i was going to do this long post with lots of links, and in addition to that i need to get thank you cards and send them to people via snail mail where applicable and here it is the seventeenth and i've not even begun to do this. hopefully i'll manage it sometime before next december?

feelin' kinda flaky this morning.

or at least pictures of them. firstly, today at work, much excitement was generated by the kitchen sink:

so that was fun. i'll miss working with folks that get all giddy over a little dry ice. anyway.

secondly, and actually thirdly, this evening as i was about to post my delight in discovering that this week, my son's class will learn about the following, in order, from monday to friday: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Diwali, and Christmas. to quote from their handout: "Our objective for this social studies unit is to help our children become more accepting and build tolerance for diversity." great school, yes? so as i was typing that happy news, there arose on my porch such a clatter. and lo and behold:

they were very good singers too. i only hope that they didn't notice my eyes got quite a bit extra-sparkly, standing outside in the cool air, as they caroled with great enthusiasm.

well, i'm not getting much done here, but a lot of thinking. and i've come up with two really good things about freelancing. (oh - sorry about the one track mind here today) anyway. thing one: professional development. i've not been busy in awhile, and yet, when not busy, it behooved me to *look* busy, which does not allow for getting really in-depth involved in interesting non-work related projects. sure, i'd sit around and blog and surf, these things don't reqire a great deal of focus, and can be done surreptitiously, keeping other windows open and clicking away when nedessary. but i would be so much better at what i do now if i'd been able to just immerse my non-busy self in creative new projects. so, this is good.

thing two: toys! stuff and things! i am going to be required to get cool new gadgets and goodies. i will need one of those nifty copier / printer / scanner dealies. i am going to no doubt need a better camera. ok i made that one up. but you know. suddenly my need for toys and goodies becomes real. and this is very, very good.

in summary, goofing off = good. buying toys = good. getting downsized = mighty fine by me.

i'm unusually psychotic this monday. on the one hand, i am a little bit resentful and things like "i need your time cards from last month" inspire in me a snarling response like, yeah i bet you do fuckers. you might be discontinuing my department but you sure don't want to be late collecting the money. on the other hand, i have other resentments, and thoughts of revenge bouncing happily through my mind. and this is a long story.

Kelly has my holiday film exchange gallery up here -- all pictures taken with a $6.99 disposable camera. it was fun! i'm relieved that 12 of them actually came out!

the film exchange rocked. i'm hoping there's another one after i get used to my new/old canon sure shot with the cool lenses, i'm sure i'll be able to do a much nicer job with a camera that is actually worth more than the film inside it.

and in case you missed it, my gallery of Kelly's pictures is here

some food for thought, via my inbox:

so i'm sitting here trying to find my way back into my shirt. not as easy as you'd think. ah well. i have to tell you about a book i was given, a book about sex. a book that ... well, i'd given up. and i'm quite sure i told hanne that i would have to hide such a book from my SO, lest he get 'ideas'. because i'd given up on it. i had no desire.

and that's because i got fat. and old, but fat being the operative barrier between me and desire. but she sent me Big, Big Love. and rather than hide this from the SO i decided to go for it. to embrace the concept of being desirable while not resembling a 'friends' cast member. there are other issues, but the primary thing is that i had lost interest in me, which led me to lose interest. in general. totally.

and now i have a book that could change that. i'm not convinced there can be change. but i am beginning to think there is a chance.

i guess the best case scenario of any ad campaign (aside from actual product sales) is the ability to get stuff stuck in the consumer's head. and it goes a little like this:

fire and ice, neither ain't so nice,
not to mention troubles, with sparks and bubbles,
chickens on the run, frozen in their tracks,
hope that purple dragon don't come back,
pack up the sheep and close the barn door
he ain't just a fire hazard anymore.

.sigh. i *like* this. and i also want the game, but that's because i like to play spyro. not because of the commercial. really.

one year ago, in an obscure subdirectory of surreally.com:

i have absolutely no idea what i am doing here except that i am strongly drawn to this new & wonderful weblogging software. it is not my intention to end up with yet another blog to maintain & post to, however, this may happen.

my excuse at this juncture is that i will be learning about mt, with the altruistic pupose of helping other bloggers with it.

however having my own obscure place in which it is permissible to babble without ruining surreally with my blather, could be an excellent side benefit of this experiment.

so, it got a little out of hand.

i recently started getting newsletters from Orion magazine. i am almost sure i didn't sign up for them, but if this *is* spam, it's the best spam i've ever gotten. this issue featured a most wonderful article, When Compassion Becomes Dissent. it's long, but if you have a few minutes, i do believe it would do your heart good to read it. not convinced? here's a teaser, in which the writer talks about two recent federal documents: the "2002 National Security Strategy for the United States" and the 107th Congress's "Patriot Act."

Had I been invited to proofread these puffed-up rhetorical works with the same critical eye I am paid to apply to student rough drafts, I'd have been forced to tell their authors that they had composed two half-truth-telling, hypocrisy-laden pieces of sociopathic cant and that they should throw them away and start over. Both works redefine Earth as a heavenly body whose countries and cultures the Bush administration and Congress were appointed to judge and police. Both are based on the belief that opposing Bush rhetoric is traitorous, that spying on neighbors and friends is patriotic, that fighting for our personal freedom "obstructs enhanced surveillance procedures," that manufacturing and exporting weapons of destruction are our greatest protection against weapons of destruction, that terrorizing the citizens of other nations is the greatest safeguard against terrorist acts against our own nation, that biological health, a sustainable natural economy, and the conservation of ecosystems are beneath consideration in this time of red-white-and-blue crisis, and that a daily life of compassion and self-examination is the na�ve position of sentimentalists and weaklings.

i express my sociopolitical views here without any expectation it's going to change the world, and i respect those who hold differing views. and to those people, i say, yes, i read the opinions in support of war, and in return i hope you read some which do not support it. fair?

so last night Dan emails me to ask me my kitty's name, 'cause he's posting about his neighborhood cat that reminds him so much of mine. i mail back this: well, his name was Prince, which happened after my MIL, who was calling him Princess, found out from the vet that that she was a he. anyway, since my MIL did not name the kitty Prince in any cool way, i found myself not wanting to call kitty that, so he's the Kitty formerly known as Prince, or the Kitty for short. sigh. i know. that's so last century. i'm old. anyway.

go read Dan's post about the neighborhood cat. and this kitty started out as a Princess too, till someone noticed ... er, you know. trippy, yes?

yes, i know what time it is. it was a great b-day and i had a little trouble winding down, so i took some pictures in the dark. a hand holding a cigarette, my roses, having bloomed, and my kitty, having discovered the xmas decoration boxes:
   

freelancing. free. lancing. doesn't it sound vaguely ... terrifying? sure it does, sure it does. but hey. i get to keep my clients, i have good clients, i'm fine. really! fine. i have till january 10th here, and then ... free. lancing.

you shoulda seen me in the boss's office. so composed. almost cheerful.

this is a really strange feeling.

the new D is amazing, and wonderful. go there now.

alright, you people are in soooo much trouble. here i was just trying to have a sulky, depressive, non-birthday, sitting around feeling vaguely mopey and stuff, and you all go and ruin that and make me feel all happy and ... *sniffle*

i love you all.

a bunch.

(edited to add): and this is one of the reasons. that was an awesome birthday chat

* * *
update
batty has transcripts. i'm so glad she has transcripts.
* * *

you had to be there. you could still be, we're still there (select batchat or something that sounds like that, i don't remember quite exactly) sorry, you missed it -- anyway. it was so fun we have one of those hand stamps like you have leftover in the morning when you've been somewhere fun.

went to bed: 1:50ish
woke up by cat: 5:30ish (he stopped by to tell me he was awake before getting his snack, so i could get up and have a snack with him. so we snacked.)
phone rings: 5:58am. daughter wants to know how to get to LAX. i know the answer, just not at 6am. "the 101 to the 405 to an exit that starts with a C and has airplanes flying over it". (she'll be in New York this afternoon, Belgium by morning, and then France for three weeks).
6am to 8:30ish: napped fitfully.
9:30: at work in body only. brain still in bed. i've successfully managed to say absolutely nothing about it so my co-workers have no idea, which is cool. -- oops, no, they know. i guess there's no way to have a birthday without people finding out.

i did not know that it was Skarlet's hubby Mr. Fishinnards b-day too! she has a great list of other 12-12 b-days. cool! and here is another 12-12 bday...

forty-two is good. woozy, but good.

and a batchat to attend this evening, it's all rather overwhelming, all this. i am overwhelmed, is what i am.

so bobby g reminded me of the acoustics of the forum in l.a., and roused these vivid audio-visual memories in me:

i saw Boston at the forum on their "third stage" tour. of course you know Tom Scholz is an obsessive-compulsive about sound, and they were hauling around like 100 semi trucks worth of speakers and a real life honest to god pipe organ the size of ... well it was big. and they tuned the sound system exactly to the acoustics of the building, and the guitarists had power packs on their back that transmitted directly to the speakers, and they were wearing some fabric that when properly lit made them look like beings made entirely of light and it was like being inside a live compact disc, crystal perfect sound and then the big pipe organ rises out of the stage and oh man, that was some killer bud we had.

memories. ahh.

so i am in receipt of my holiday film exchange partner's pictures, and have sent my little disposable camera full of mall pictures winging across the country.

next step is to prepare the gallery, but i wanted to give you a sneak preview. i feel so lucky to have a whole bunch of Kelly's pictures here, there is something marvelous and magical about developing someone else's film and getting a glimpse into another life, far away. this preview is one of my favorites, it's so peaceful and beautiful:

my gallery of Kelly's pictures is done, and it's right here!

him: right now, on the discovery channel: super-massive black holes.
him: isn't that an oxymoron? super-massive?
me: no, black holes have a lot of mass. they have so much mass they collapse and start sucking more mass in. they just don't have a lot of volume.
him: oh, right. ok.
kid: i smell like poop.

things overheard and reported by spies from Dogberts New Ruling Class, who are everywhere

i'm bidding on this

man, ebay is ... dangerous.

* * *
edited to add: and this. but that's it.

nothing like a refreshing fuss about war to start the day, eh? peace protesters being interviewed on the television, me agreeing like the commie bastard i am, him with his 'we have to get rid of the bad people' thing. realize, we're talking about a guy who joined the navy at age 18 in hopes they'd send him somewhere to kill bad people. unfortunately, he was discharged for medical reasons before he got to go do that.

usually we don't talk about it, and today it didn't get far, 'cause we've learned to just let it go. we would probably both like it very much if the other one would come to their senses and see the light and all, but it ain't gonna happen. i mean, when i make snorty noises about the concept of 'pre-emptive' strikes and mumble about how that's gonna just keep going and going, where do you stop pre-empting when more of the world hates you as every day goes by? and he's fine with that. we, the good people, should take over all parts of the world where the bad people are, and either kill them or ... well, just kill them really.

i actually feel kinda bad for him, having to put up with this, because when we first met i didn't have any particularly strongly held views on anything, and as such i'm sure if we had discussed this sort of thing, i would have said, hell yeah! the new, subversive me is pretty recent. and probably really annoying :)

upclose and macro mode with the christmas tree:
   

let's see. we've complained about stuff, played a little music, and some chess, so far ... but i'm sure it'll get wilder.

Ez: Do you mind if I piss off the Homeland Security Agency right now?
kd: sure go for it

* * *
before and/or after you click more, here's this ... so subversive.

i've made a new category, because you know i didn't already have enough. it's just monday is so different from any other day. and mondays in december are their own special circle of hell.

fortunately i'm a fairly good actress when necessary, i.e. at work. it's such a disconnected feeling to sense myself smiling and hear the cheer in my voice and know it stops exactly at the face. everything behind that is reacting like an allergy to the whole world, all puffy and sniffly.

now that i've been blogging for awhile, i can go back and see that yes, virginia, there really is a pattern. i go nuts in december. i cry all the time with very little provocation. i spend the entire month feeling like i'm barely holding onto sanity. and then january comes and cures me, so it's not that seasonal affective thing, it's a specific month. december.

i also do badly on mondays. so today? i'm just glad to be at work, sitting here looking fairly normal, i don't think anyone here suspects i'm out of my mind.

i love it when someone gets a great new URL -- happy new URL day Joanie!

and i'm off to change my link to dagoddess.com. how hard does that rock? very.

now imagine if you will, if i'd had my new old camera, when this blimp was flying in circles right over my house. this is so much less than you could see with the naked eye, it's not even funny.

but i don't even have film yet. why? well i had another one of those incidents in vons, this one involved not being able to get myself to buy one roll for like six bucks, when i could have four for thirteen, and not being able to get myself to spend thirteen, even on something i wanted so badly i could taste it.

me + grocery stores + december = basket case.

generally sort of surly all day, which i attribute to this whole december thing. stresses me out no end.

on the bright side, they cleaned out the lost and found at the car wash today, they were just going to dump everything, which is just nuts. so now i have one of these. it even comes with extra lenses and stuff. the glass over the autofocus is cracked, i'm not sure if it'll be able to focus, but hey. can't complain.

on a completely unrelated note, diet vanilla coke rocks.

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On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love have to me
Eight maids a milking
Seven swans a swimming
Six Geese a laying
Five Gold Rings!
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

... who's next? see more for instructions. this originated at Deb's

first of all, today is ezrael's natal day, and there was a wonderful party in his comments.

for me, this makes seventeen years i've been in ventura. it wasn't your ordinary traditional kind of 'oh, i'm going to move to ventura' moves -- it was rather a spur of the moment decision.

James Strom Thurmond was born on December 5, 1902 in Edgefield, South Carolina

He has been a senator for one fifth of the entire history of the United States

He was 17 when women were granted the right to vote

When he was first elected to the U.S. Senate, there were only 48 states in the union

He holds the record for the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history at 24 hours and 18 minutes, in opposition to the 1957 Civil Rights Act. He began his filibuster by reading the texts of the election laws of all 48 states.

In 1897, Strom's father Will shot and killed a political foe who called him a "low, dirty, scoundrel". He was acquitted after pleading self-defense

He's old enough to be Bob Dole's father

source: strom watch

i love their logo, don't you?

oh this is wonderful. we're having such fun watching it. awesome cast. cool animation. and a crazy mailman.

#1: the bad news: i really do have radio transmitters in my head! more equipment than my dentist has ever seen! he doesn't think he can do much about the voices in my ear, i just have to learn to deal with it. i wonder if i can make them play Tool songs?

the good news: if i concentrate real hard, i'll be able to dial phones with my brain. it will take some practice, because i have to think the letters, not the numbers.

#2: stacey is telling me about a funny scene in a movie. as he describes it, i can picture it. ok, so this one guy says, 'well fuck me in the eyeballs' and then cut to a scene of that guy holding his face and screaming, and the other guy smoking a cigarette and looking satisfied.

and that's all i remember.

still haven't decided.

but it just occurred to me that my claim of never having been anywhere east of arizona is not true. but if you ask me exactly where, i would have to say i do not know.

when i was very first married, my husband flew to kansas to help his mom drive to california. they got as far as ... probably new mexico, and called me from there, requesting that i fly there to help out. i'm thinking it must have been new mexico, because the airport was small and there weren't many people in it. i got there at night, and i'm pretty sure it would have been arizona we were in by the next day. so i have briefly been east of arizona. i think.

it was horrible. horrible horrible horrible. we were broke, except for a gas card, and back then gas cards only bought gas. if we wanted money we had to find strangers paying cash and ask them if they'd mind if we charged their gas and they paid us the money. not too many people will say yes to that, you know. so we were hungry most of the time.

there were three adults and one largish TV set in the car. it was a K car or a granada or something boxy like that. not a large car. we of course couldn't afford motels, so we had to sleep sitting up. in the car. so we were exhausted.

and we were dirty. dirty, exhausted, hungry, and in a K car with my jerk husband and his mother. and her TV.

we had one stop, at uncle robert and aunt pam's place. i remember they were all excited about this new way you could smoke cocaine. progressive guy, uncle robert. i think he spent like two hours trying to coax a hit out of some crumbs as he narrated the process. intently. we didn't stay long. the rest is a blur.

it's no wonder i don't remember where i flew to or how exactly we got home. i've repressed it. it was that horrible.

this is why i need a real road trip with actual sleep and food and a cell phone and friends and stuff like that. of course, i haven't decided yet.

i meant to go to my linklist to surf (as i am currently waiting for the go-ahead on what i'm working on at work), and i completely automatically navigated here to this entry screen. against my will and better judgement. i don't want to post right now, because i don't want to whine.

earlier today in an email it was suggested that i had put in a re-direct for the 'glory of the surreally empire' and against the best interests of the site involved. (oh, it was really subtle, but i know an allegation when i see one) and i can't get this out of my head. added to the other stressors right now i think i'm about to break. the other stressors are ... really stressful. well, it's been awhile since i've sat here crying at my fucking desk, i guess it's about time.

for some reason the physiology of the starting crying is causing my jaw to muscle spasm? guess i've been clenching for awhile.

usually it starts getting better right around the time i'm able to begin regretting posting about it. right now i'm all, who cares?

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(Dee de de de de ee ee ee we um umma way)
A wee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way
A wee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way
A wee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way
A wee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way / awee ma way

it all started here. where will it go next? hmm? leave a comment if you wanna play.

via bran

so. for the sake of openness, the person referenced in the whiny post, read it (which i was rather hoping they wouldn't, since it was so overreactive) and we have communicated and all is well, and all will be well. i am grateful for those who understand my hormonal surges.

now. spoiled. the boy-child is not spoiled. he came home from the babysitter and requested a warm poptart. well we had no poptarts. and he started to cry. and i stood strong on the issue, saying, we have cookies, and waffles, and things of that nature. these things should suffice.

no go. so daddy (the enabler) sidles up to me and says, 'can you just go to circle k and get him the individual package of poptarts? you can get gas at the gas station right there. you need gas.' ok, look it's the principle of the thing. (big grey kindergartener eyes welling up with tears). *sigh* so we go. and while at the checkout register i notice packs of pokemon cards. i slip one into the purchase, we get home and unbag the stuff, i warm the poptart, saying nothing, and the boy discovers the cards and exclaims 'pokemon' with such joy. such joy.

i am a pushover for kindergarteners.

feeling better, mainly from spending the day considering doing a seriously crazy insane thing which would involve driving thousands of miles in things like, you know, snow and stuff. but all things considered, what if i never got to do anything like that? what if i wished i had, when it gets to the point i can't? i'm no spring chicken, you know.

so i'm entertaining thoughts about doing this purely loony thing, or rather, they're entertaining me. it would be the adventure of a lifetime, and possibly result in me having an extra car. if the car in fact made it that far, which it might. i mean, it could. possibilities exist.

ooh! so something Bran commented in my last post reminded me -- cardboard boxes. magical things they are! a fort, a spaceship, or even ... a computer!

this was back in the day, you have to remember, and my mom worked for hofmann laroche (she was also a good customer, but that's another decade entirely) and she would take me to work with her and i'd get to see the computer room -- a big room full of big machines, refrigerator size, mit der blinkenlights and all, and the big tape reel thingys going back and forth. i was dazzled.

so when i was about 10ish my mom left one of those heated coil defrosters on in the freezer, and i was supposed to turn it off and ... anyway, we got a new fridge. and such a box it came in!

another thing my mom would do was bring home stacks and stacks of used computer punch cards (which i just loved), so i thought i would make the fridge box a computer and *i* would be its brain! i painted it with house paint, with big reels and lots of rows of lights (dots) and stuff. and i cut a slot in the front, so you could write your question on a card and drop it in, and i'd answer it and spit it back out. ok, i was a weird kid.

the first time my son got a big box, was when chris's mom still lived here. kurtwood was entranced by it, and we turned it into a little house with doors and windows, and he and kitty played and played. i rhapsodized about my first truly epic box, and she said, 'funny, i don't remember playing with boxes when i was a kid' and i thought, how awful. at first i figured, maybe they didn't have them back then, but apparently they did. must have been a depression thing, people not buying a lot of appliances and whatnot.

anyway. do you remember your first box?

jerry springer opera gets london world premiere: "'It is exactly the kind of work the National should be doing: bold, scabrous, funny and beautiful,' the National Theater's new director Nicholas Hytner said Wednesday."

scabrous?

Main Entry: sca�brous
Pronunciation: 'ska-br&s also 'skA-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin scabr-, scaber rough, scurfy; akin to Latin scabere to scratch -- more at SCAB
Date: 1646
1 : DIFFICULT, KNOTTY [a scabrous problem]
2 : rough to the touch: as a : having small raised dots, scales, or points [a scabrous leaf] b : covered with raised, roughened, or unwholesome patches [scabrous paint] [yellowed scabrous skin]
3 : dealing with suggestive, indecent, or scandalous themes : SALACIOUS; also : SQUALID

ooh. scabrous. good word.

so it was confusing. first the kid wanted a cheese sandwich for breakfast, only because i wouldn't give him a plain mayonnaise one. then he was supposed to take an apple to school, but we only had half an apple and two bananas, so i debated sending a banana and a note (afterall, 'b' comes right after 'a') but changed my mind and decided to send a book about apples instead. later, i'm wandering from room to room trying to find my shoes. they weren't where they usually are, i'm sure, and then they were.

wait. that was reality. the dream is here.

when in doubt, check what's in the camera. in this case, a happy kitty, and some happy girls. i am not at my most cheery, so this is the best i can do - other cheer:
 

originally i posted an entry here, then decided to move it here. kind of a new place, maybe not entirely ready for prime time, but a wonderful place nonetheless. i'm proud to be in such good company over there.

that's wimminandminorities.com.

first of all, Sandee got her new boobs, and all is well, and this is good. when medical science can give back what cancer took away, that's a beautiful and life-affirming thing, which is the idea behind this calendar, featuring tasteful nudes of breast cancer survivors, age 30 - 68, willing to bare their reconstructed breasts. certainly not all women choose to go through the additional surgery, but i think it's wonderful to have the choice.

ok, so i mentioned wimmenandminorities.com last night, and this morning, the lovely and epic Hanne made these tshirts. make sure and read the back, and then just go ahead and buy one. you know you want to. now go on.

but if it were, would i win for world's most illiterate troll? pretty close, huh?

who do things with PVC pipe, a can of hair spray, a lantern sparker thingy and�.oh yeah, a bag of potatoes -- and then add some WD-40 for good measure.

do *not* try this at home.

the dangers of DHMO include:
* Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
* Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
* Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
* DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
* Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
* Contributes to soil erosion.
* Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
* Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
* Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
* Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere.
* Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

learn more about this deadly substance

i'm up late, scouring the internet for your pleasure. here you go:

Realistic, life�size and beautiful. Elastic flesh, luxurious fur, a cybernetic infrastructure and sexy features like no other buggering hamster in the world.

and for those of you who are on the edge of your seats, gripping the armrests with sweaty palms and beginning to twitch about the eyes wondering "so what's up with kd's stupid buick?" well, i won't keep you in suspense any longer.

i have to confess that having spongebob as my default skin was beginning to make me nervous, if only as a first impression. so those of you who haven't chosen a skin, are going to be seeing big blue building Zim this morning. i would give you penguins, but that blows up on macs, so here this is.

as always, i encourage you to visit the skin controller (first link in sidebar) and experiment around, that is, providing you have a PC. and a proper browser (mozilla rocks).

also, i'd like to note that it is indeed monday.

from wired this morning, "taking liberties with our freedom":

Not to be left off the gravy train, big business also pushed through its own grab bag of perks in the new legislation.

One of the most egregious and potentially dangerous of these travesties is the Homeland Security Act's creation of new and very broad exemptions from the Freedom of Information Act.

Businesses now have a new way to evade liability for safety violations, hazards to consumers and other abuses. They need merely report the information about their behavior -- even totally unclassified activities -- to the federal government, and claim it's related to homeland security. In the parlance of the Homeland Security Act, they declare the data to be "CII," or Critical Infrastructure Information.

Instantly, the company filing drops that information into a black hole of secrecy, hidden from public view. If a government employee releases any such data without the permission of the company that submitted it, regardless of its importance to the public, they could be subject to jail time.

so. not only do we have Total Information Awareness as regards our personal data being collected, all of it, we also have no right to know about dangerous corporate behavior.

oh and let's not forget this little gem: There is a provision, as you may know, that provides liability protection for pharmaceutical companies that actually make mercury-based vaccine preservatives that actually have caused autism in children. It wipes out all of the litigation.

feudal. that's the word i've been looking for. feudal.

i have spent the last couple of hours following links in blogs and reading and learning. i have seen a lot of numbers, but numbers can be so numbing. they can distract from the fact, this is personal. i have been moved to tears and back again, by the strength of the voices in these personal stories:

e j speaks of hope: "This is quite possibly the most challenging blog I've written in quite some time - not because of content, but because of having to sort through the things I've seen, the things I've done, and the things that I have experienced. Sorting through all of this, of course, was like trying to sort through grains of sand in the Sahara Desert. Once you add the fact that this is an emotional period for me around holidays, you can understand while this was something that I had to drive around and think about. While things have gotten easier and progressed considerably since my first experience with AIDS, hope still plays a major force in my life."

Donald speaks of the gift of 'right now': "Testing positive was definitely the most traumatic event in my life, but it wasn't the only one by a long shot. That might be why I dealt with it the same way I've always dealt with trauma; I just went into a corner and curled up waiting to be buried. Not really wanting to die, but REALLY not wanting to be in this world. Just feeling numb.

But since I didn't die, time has just kept moving on. I'm still here and still fine and still have dreams that I want to fulfill. I still have days where time slips by, but I can deal with it if I just focus on doing something, anything that will get me closer to a goal. Sometimes these steps are big, but most of the time they are small - but planning them is a potent weapon against my worst enemy: procrastination."

powerful words. silence doesn't stand a chance against these voices.

* * *
more stories:

Jhames remembers Harry
Chris remembers four friends
Jilly remembers William, and many others
Jessica remembers Davey

rabbit rabbit

Kofi Annan, on the stigma of the AIDS virus:

But there is another terrible burden imposed by AIDS, which each and every one of us has the capacity to relieve: the burden of HIV-related stigma. The impact of stigma can be as detrimental as the virus itself. The solitude and lack of support it imposes are deeply wounding to those who suffer it. It should also hurt every one of us, for it is an affront to our commom humanity. Some people with AIDS are being denied basic rights such as food or shelter, and dismissed from jobs they are perfectly fit to perform. They may be shunned by their community, or most tragic of all, by their own family. The fear of stigma leads to silence, and when it comes to fighting AIDS, silence is death. It suppresses public discussion about AIDS, and deters people from finding out whether they are infected. It can cause people - whether a mother breastfeeding her child or a sexual partner reluctant to disclose their HIV status - to risk transmitting HIV rather than attract suspicion that they might be infected.

"silence is death"

here is more about the stigma. important reading.

here are some numbers from the world AIDSday site:

Worldwide, and in 2000 alone, AIDS claimed 3 million people last year. That's over 8,000 people every day. But the story does not end there: just under 14,000 new cases of HIV infections occur every single day. 95% of all AIDS cases occur in the world's poorest countries. In several southern African countries, at least one in five adults is HIV positive. In 2000, the HIV prevalence rate among pregnant women in South Africa rose to its highest level ever: 24.5% bringing to 4.7 million the estimated total number of South Africans living with the virus.

42,000,000 people in the world living with AIDS
5,000,000 people newly infected in 2001
13,200,000 children orphaned by AIDS

i wrote the numbers with the zeroes, as looking at '13.2 million' doesn't have quite the effect, at least for me, as all those zeroes. all those people, all those children.

"silence is death". let's be anything but silent.

and if you follow only one link in this post, please read this message from a South African, sent to AVERT on 26th November. silence is death.

edited to add:

538 sites participating at this writing -- that's a lot of non-silence!

found this article through Linkmeister:

Historians will look back on our time and see that our civilization spends many millions of dollars educating people about the scourge of H.I.V. and AIDS, which has already taken 25 million lives and could infect 100 million people over the next eight years. But what they will find not so civilized is our failure to treat 95 percent of people with the disease.

Given that medicine can turn AIDS from a death sentence into a chronic illness and reduce mother-to-child transmission, our withholding of treatment will appear to future historians as medieval, like bloodletting." - William Jefferson Clinton

however you feel about Clinton, he is a brilliant man, and that is a brilliant essay. and it ties in very closely with Dru's perspective on that 95% of AIDS victims for whom it is difficult or impossible to receive the medications that would save their lives.

* * *
it's been quite a day for me. i've learned so much. and Dru? that slow internet connection you were talking about? i think it was all the pinging that went on in the blog world today :)

* * *
edited to add: more personal stories.
Lee talks about Angela.
Noah talks about Mikee.
note that these are stories, like many of the others told today, in which caring and respect and support made a difference. to quote a very wise woman, "medicine does amazing things. so does talking and understanding. as I stated earlier, the soul needs to be treated as well as the body. there is no success in the treatment if the spirit doesn't rally." -- thanks for that Joanie.