can't see the end: October 2003 Archives

i cannot bitch i should not whine i will not vent i will keep my fucking mouth shut for once i will i have to i really really do. no matter what. whatever. i do however have a word: unbearable.

one last small vanilla cigar one last beer before disconnect. it's tuesday right? ok. seems the last several days, they merged they blended hell they were fucking frapp�d dude. days like one long wild-eyed pasteurized homogenized grade a freakout. show. freaksomething, i don't know. and. now. finally. ready. ready did i say ready? i meant some other word, something involving the force of circumstances and may i say i am quite sick to death of circumstances at this point?

and if you thought under the couch was crazy, do you know what happens under a refrigerator over the course of a decade or so? i'll tell you what happens. unimaginable horror is what happens.

two hours so far full awake stalling. road rash raw through & through. i have wandered, i have walked through rooms like water, thick history family swirling around me, body temperature mostly but icy in places. is this giving it time to sink in or is this wallowing. i am breathing through the pain. i wonder what it is that is keeping me from screaming. it is nowhere near empty yet. if i take the vicodin i will feel less but not enough. i save it, it is maybe the only thing i can. now. a better person would sacrifice these house to herself hours & get on with it.

me?

the yellow glow spreads over the glass hazy with years of vanilla scented smoke i sit listless distant staring straight vacant into this the last of this light which hesitates and is lost on me for ever and ever and more, and - and please, please realize i never intended it to end this way i never intended any ending whatsoever, have i ever mentioned how back in the newness of this, how i wished we could live forever, just to keep loving each other and this is the loss, this innocence

is this love still inside me, dead rotten maggot ridden mass of doubts violence pathos loss? is that what this is? will it kill me

how long? even an estimate? how about a guess? oh. whatever

and what is this, this vivid almost physical craving, this ridiculous wish for a lapse in space and time and unconsciousness in sufficient quantity so i may once again awaken in the same dream i fell into in the first place and if not may i please have a moment and if so i would like one of those on the balcony on the hill and the county fair fireworks flashing over the ocean and with one voice a whisper 'life is good' yes we were this innocent once and yes we meant every word every last perfect pure infinite word

i would like to please believe love please just this one time if you could please just a moment please just the joy of that good life just one last minute of it

yes i see
i understand. yes. wait no, no i don't. but that doesn't matter yes i guess i have learned that much from this

and that is progress isn't it. of course

goodbye is a matter of days away, though the loss of love was consummated long ago, years and years ago, and it has been a long dying gasp of a last five six maybe even seven years, yes

i can already feel it, the moment i leave, leaving behind this house this home this family for what it's worth for the last time. i know goodbye as well or better than i know even my own self, which i have been known to lose on occasion, while goodbye is an always, a constant, ever perched restless ready on the tip of this tongue of mine

the water flowing, the endless river ... forever and ever