my inner lizard: June 2003 Archives

your honor, the suspect had the means and the opportunity, and maybe even a motive, but for the life of us we cannot figure out what the hell he was thinking.

some time ago, i started getting newsletters from gay.com. not spam! this is not a site that would spam. no, someone signed me up. didn't pay it much attention and didn't bother to unsubscribe, every once in awhile i'll click a link in the newsletter -- no problem.

well, today's subject line about national HIV testing day (which is tomorrow incidedntally) caught my attention, and i ended up poking around a bit. started wondering who signed me up, and why. i seem to be a member, but of course i lack a login; i checked the email headers and it's being sent to "kissmy @ (myoldurl).us". now that doesn't have a vicious ring to it, but it's not a friendly practical joke, either.

now i gather from the lengthy, apologetic unsubscribe info at the bottom of the newsletter, that this is a fairly common prank among the repressed homophobic jerk idiot portion of the populace. and this makes me sad. must make being a site admin a rather nightmarish job, no doubt involving having to respond to all manner of abusive responses from inadvertent subscribers.

sometimes we lizards just don't understand humans atall.

oddly enough i haven't given up on the ... book thingy. the anti-novel, as i like to call it when i'm speaking to it, is stubbornly refusing to follow anything anyone would consider an acceptable format, suitable for ever being anything but my own little indulgence, however it has some appeal. which considering what a narcissistic little so-and-so i've become, should be taken with some tums and a xanax, if ya got one. and all my life i've written or attempted to, and at no point has viability for publication been a concern. i write for me - and i appreciate my efforts in that area, we have a symbiotic relationship, the writer and i do. so i don't have to Write a Book. i can just express this -- thing -- which both deserves & needs to be expressed, and maybe only ever a half dozen people, will 'get it', maybe not even that many, it would be a difficult thing to say, here read this. and that's not why i write. i write because i am the only one capable of the understanding that leads to healing, i can't be helped otherwise.

besides it's extremely extremely personal. painfully personal. i had to take a day away from it & do the barbie battlebots design, i was in over my head.

then i decided i needed a content management system. i know what you're thinking -- MT! um. no. no, that i could have had running in minutes. instead i seem to be building it its own custom made single-purpose CMS. i think of it as writers block insurance - i can always obsess on the code when i spin out on the words, and spin i will, yes.

songs keep spilling out of my unconscious, complete & preserved perfect like ... like bugs. dead bugs. in amber. there's your analogy. me & my bugs.

if taking hostages & calling this list my demands would help, well, i'll see if i can work that into my schedule. in the meantime, i'd like to call the universe's attention to the potential benefits of cooperating in advance of any desperate measures on my part, not the least of which would be the cessation of all this whining. aha! i see this appeals to you, i knew you were a reasonable sort of universe.

and i am a reasonable girl. my needs are ... simple things that i've managed to transform into wildly twisty complexities of monolithical proportions, some of which have actually developed a weak gravitational field, making them ideal venues for some of the more spectacular leaps of logic i like to take.

& this is not one of those - in fact i would asseverate that there is a solid basis in something somewhere which supports ... ok, i'll cut to the chase: what i want is to meet (ok, meet being a euphemism here, we know what i mean, yes?) the person i wrote this for. yes, there's been some progress in this area, however there are times i think i was better off when i thought it all impossible. now it's just highly fucking unlikely, which is an infinitely more conflicted scenario. i'm a mess these days, between the outbursts of uncautious optimism & the spasms of certain sniveling doom which can & do coexist within a single breath, they are in fact doing so right here & now, which of course is neither there nor anywhere, at least as far as relevance to whatever this is & therefore i will trail off appealingly & give you those oblique up-over-the glasses eyes & leave it at this, with just one small suggestion, nay, a request, & a gentle one at that: i would ask that the expression in question be considered on its own merit. which i believe is not insignificant. thank you.

*ahem* now, i am willing to be patient on this issue, however some hot nasty sweaty sex just for the fuck of it would make the wait a lot less stressful. i'm willing to be real flexible on this, age & gender are far less important than enthusiasm & stamina & the sooner the better ... yes, i'm as shocked as you are to hear this, so i'll add a dismissive gesture & this wide-eyed guileless smile so i could be kidding if we need me to be.

and you know, i guess that's about it, really. seemed like such a huge batch of need, which it is, it really is, i just thought there was more to it than just the whole soulmate thing. and let's not forget the bottom line here, is silence -- just imagine getting me to stop constantly saying please. it would be like stopping hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, or pretty close. think about it, hmm? i'll be waiting. audibly. over. & over.