my inner lizard: July 2003 Archives

it was five when i went to bed, not even light yet, but so tired i just curled up on the couch and told myself not tonight honey, in spite of the fact i'd been kinda hoping to get some. drifted into the dreams, such lovely dreams.

it was eleven when i woke up, though i had no idea at the time. churchbells began to ring as i was fighting falling back into the dreams, the lovely dreams. couldn't focus on counting the bong ... bong ... bong, this meant having to open my eyes. not as easy as it sounds. grabbed phone, peered at it intently while the blur resolved into little numbers. now you see, it could have been worse. it could have been noon. so what's the harm if i go back to sleep till noon, i wondered, since it easily could have already been noon, and there would have been nothing i could have done about it. bounced this around in the mindfog but kept working on the eye-opening problem anyway, all in all it took about twenty minutes to get up off of the couch, and an hour to get out of the door.

it's a really good thing i've trained those around me not to expect me before i get there. it's just not that easy.

on a good day, calm, neat, even austere:

on a medium day, orderly expressions of some dark imagery:

on the day i wrote this ( and i sat and felt the visual inspiration slipping away, either that or it was reshaped into something ugly, something about supplication without absolution, about wreckage without redemption, something wrong... ):

i have so many small golden smiling sharks. so very many. they all claim to be V.I.P.s, each and everyone.

important sharks. there's a message in here somewheres, but i have to start gluing things to other things and haven't time to decipher it.

for the most part, it is a lizard's nature to be nervous, and i am one with lizardkind on that issue. however i'm really just a human who thinks she's a lizard, (shh! that's just between us, ok?), and as such i find there are times these nerves begin to get on their own nerves, and it's time for a diversion. this is how a playful lizard ended up in a bathroom with a camera, which as it turns out is some sort of fun, at least it looks that way:

* * *
later on, this same lizard experienced a sort of epiphany - it happened as she sat down to write about this one simple thing and in doing so she seriously made a discovery, i mean it made things feel different. and she wanted to give herself that pat on the back, and so she wrote this, for herself:

corny as that may be, and corny it is, still, it applies.

my daughter's right. i'm a spazz.

... so i decided i would (dramatic flourish) buy underwear. on my lunch hour. and so i went to kmart. and had a nervous breakdown.

you see it goes like this first of all i'm cheap and then there are of course the body issues and then of course trying to find matching things i would just like some things that match is that so much to ask and oh by the way the sizing if the sizing made any sense that would be a nice change and the time's passing and even though it's within utterly normal lunch guidelines i never take lunch so there is this growing feeling of panic and then we get to the guilt and weirdness because sure as hell i turn up with new chonies ole whatsisface is gonna be on and on about the snarky shit ooh what are you buying underwear for, um hello it's to cover my ... never mind what it's to cover, mister and then the fact i shaved my legs and he'd be all ooh you're having sex, got polaroids and i'd be all no, i am not having sex because the truth is i couldn't get laid to save my never fucking mind what i can't get laid to save ok look i'll buy ugly stuff i know i saw some now where the fuck is it now i know i wasn't hallucinating and at this point at least part of this discussion is happening out loud and people are starting to look at me oh ferfucksake i just want some fucking underwear i don't hate and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIRTY TWO DOLLARS.

fuck.